Seven Deadly Sins of Horror Movies

(This is a copy of a guest blog that I did for Tawnya Bhattacharya's awesome screenwriting blog:  Script Anatomy.)

I love horror movies. I love watching them. I love writing them. But after watching hundreds of hours of possessions, tortures, slashings, hauntings, alien abductions and hostile zombie takeovers ... well ... I've got one nagging question ...

Why do so many horror movies suck so badly?!

So I developed a list of the seven deadly sins of horror movies -- common storytelling gaffes that time and time again turn potentially frightening, interesting ideas into huge piles of suck. For each sin, I have plucked a film (or scene) from the horror cannon as an example of the saints and sinners of the genre.

So grab your holy water and rosaries as we get started with ...

SIN #1: Your characters are morons.

I know that a lot of your characters are going to end up on the business end of power tools. All of these chumps can't be MENSA members. But please, for the love of all things unholy, try to have them react with some semblance of conscious thought. 

Remember, when characters on screen react like we would, then we identify with them and their plight. Instead of pointing at the screen and yelling "idiot!", we will be quietly thinking: "Hey, that could ... be ... me."

Sinner - Dead Silence (2007):

Quiz time: Let's say someone sends you a ventriloquist dummy in the mail and then said dummy kills your spouse in a violent and heinous manner. What is the one object you will NOT take with you when you return to your home town for her funeral?

OK, pencils down. If you said the homicidal evil ventriloquist dummy that killed your spouse in a violent and heinous manner, then consider yourself smarter than this dipshit …

… who spends most of the movie carting the killer doll all over creation as he tries to figure out how to get the dummy to stop killing everyone around him. 

Here's a thought Skippy: Throw it in the fire. Wood burns.

Saint - Prom Night (1980) [Scene - Wendy's death]:

Wendy finds herself in the unfortunate situation of being a mouthy, bossy, slutty pot-smoking babe in a slasher movie made in 1980 starring Jamie Lee Curtis. 

Alas, she was created to die.

However, Wendy does something quite unheard of for a female character not played by Jamie Lee Curtis in an 80s slasher film. She runs and fights like ... well ... any living mammal with a hypothalamus that was confronted by an ax-wielding glitter-ski-masked maniac. She isn't the final girl, but she doesn't act as if she already knows that. She's smart, resourceful, and puts up one hell of a fight. You're sad to see her go.

SIN #2: Your plot makes no sense. 

Sure lots of horror classics stretch believability to its limits. In Suspiria, why doesn't Suzy just leave the dance school and alert the police instead of taking on an entire coven by herself? In The Ring, how did Tamara make that killer videotape being ... you know ... dead and in the bottom of a well?

But somehow those classics invented a nightmare reality that allowed audiences to overlook these flaws and suspend their disbelief as they lured us along toward their unnerving conclusions. Things have to make sense in your world, not necessarily any real world that exists. It's when you violate your own rules of logic that you start to sink into the suck.

Sinner - High Tension (2003) [Scene - The Ending]:

I felt cheated by the ending of this otherwise superb French chiller. The final twist could have been set up in a clever way that repeated viewings would reinforce, but (SPOILER ALERT) you just can't have a car chase with yourself. Not even if you are an otherwise kick-ass French lesbian. You just can't!

Saint - Sixth Sense (1999):

This movie does so many things right on so many levels that when the final major plot twist hits, it's a big “AHA” … not a "WTF?!" All of the setups pay off in a very satisfying way.

SIN #3: Your monsters aren't linked to the hero(ine)'s inner-demons.

The villain should always be the embodiment of the main character's psychological demons. They are their worst fears made flesh. When the battle on the outside lines up with the battle on the inside, you will have your audience hook, line, and sinker.

Sinner - Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003):

Quiz Time Again: Who is Erin? Sure, she's the final girl of this misguided remake, but what makes her tick? What is her worst fear and/or childhood trauma? How will her battle against the homicidal Hewitt family make her revisit and conquer her core weakness? 


Pencils Down. Drawing a blank? Apparently so did the screenwriter. But I guess they figured if Erin looks like Jessica Biel ...

... nobody will really notice or care.

Saint - Silence of the Lambs (1990):

Hannibal Lecter is a shadowy father figure who forces Clarice Starling to confront the psychological damage caused by her actual father's death. Lecter may be the devil made flesh, but he is also a dark guide to the trouble spots of Clarice's own psyche.

And Clarice has another monster in her life. Serial killer Buffalo Bill skins women to make a dress to become a woman. He is a dark inverted representation of her own struggle with her gender identity as a woman in the largely male and chauvinistic world of the CIA. Bill may want to put on a woman suit, but Clarice struggles daily with the need to put on her man pants when dealing with her macho peers and the bad guys.

SIN #4: You've emphasized kills over suspense.

Sure, when you go home from a horror film, it's the inventive kills that you remember. But those scenes only work if the filmmaker builds up to those kills with chills and suspense. Horror movies are like sex … you don't win points by rushing to the climax.

Sinner - Friday the 13th Part 5 (1985):

This could probably apply to any part greater than 2, but nowhere is it more egregious than in Part 5. Watching this one is like watching cows being herded into a kill chute. You know these dumb animals are going to get it, so it simply becomes a tedious waiting game. Mooooo.

Saint - Exorcist III (1990) [Scene - Nurse Station Scene]:

This is by no means a great movie, but director/screenwriter William Peter Blatty creates one absolutely pitch perfect scene of suspense and payoff. Study it and learn, if you dare:

 SIN #5: Your main character is a douchebag.

I don't care how many Freddy Krueger lunchboxes you had as a kid, if you watch a horror movie and you are rooting for the homicidal maniac to succeed, either the writer has failed or your anti-psych meds have. Make your main character somewhat relatable, three-dimensional and likable and the audience is likely to feel every ounce of their terror and cheer them on when they battle the bad guy.

Sinner - Severance (2007):

I like director Christoper Smith a lot and consider his film Triangle to be a work of genius. But in Severance, once the killing is underway and our "heroes" emerge, we are left with a dilemma. Are we supposed to be rooting for the drugged-out sex addict or the ruthless selfish businesswoman who left her colleague to die? 

Saint - Halloween (1978):

Oh my dearest Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis). So good. So innocent. And, therefore, so destined to be plunged into the darkest depths of slasher movie hell.

John Carpenter and Debra Hill's script spends almost one third of the movie setting up Laurie and her world. We know that she is shy, has a crush on Ben Tramer, and has two friends, Linda and Annie, who are more sexually experienced and adventurous. By taking the time to properly set up Laurie as a flesh and blood teenager with fears and hopes, the audience is invested in her survival when the mortal battle begins.

SIN #6: ALL of your characters are douchebags.

I separated this one out as a separate sin because there are some movies who go above and beyond the call of duty in making us hate all of the potential victim characters. Not just the protagonists. ALL OF THEM.

Sinner - Friday the 13th (2009):

This "re-imagining" really commits all of the seven sins, but #6 is its most unforgivable. Lets review our potential heroes, shall we?

How about slutty blond chick? How about slutty blond dude? Stoned one-note Asian guy? Wisecracking masturbating black guy? How about the other four who leave their dying friend outside with the killer because ... hey ... better the wisecracking masturbating black guy then them ... right? (And seconds after making that dubious decision, they split up - see Sin #1). DIE ALREADY!

Saint - Wolf Creek (2005):

Wolf Creek has a flawed, but relatable young threesome. They are young, fun 20-nothing Aussies who just want to party at the coast, then travel across the outback, getting in a little adventure before their lives becomes calcified by the obligation and routine of adulthood. If you weren't these kids when you were their age, you wanted to be.

Not surprisingly, there is a love triangle. But, because these girls are not one-dimensional catty soap-opera stereotypes, they don't become enemies. They remain friends. They love each other and work it out like likable people do. By spending almost the first half of the movie setting up this affable trio, director Greg McLean lulls you into thinking you might not be watching a horror movie after all. Then he reminds you ... in the most sinister way possible.

SIN #7: We see too much of the killer too soon.

I know you spent a lot of time creating the best killer ever. He's funnier than Freddy. Stronger than Jason. More viscous than Michael Myers. He skins his victims, then rolls them in push pins, while wearing a haz-mat suit and speaking in Aramaic. He even leaves clever riddles at the murder scene. 

Great! Now get his, her, or its ugly mug out of Act 1 and most of Act 2. The thing you can't see in the dark is always scarier than some CGI mutant or rubber suited Alien. Darkness is your friend in horror. It's also a cheap special effect, so use it.

Sinner - Descent Part 2 (2010):

The caves in Part 2 are so well lit it looks like a Sid and Marty Krofft production. The crawlers are not only highly visible and, therefore, not at all scary, but they look like the sleestaks from Land of the Lost. You are left wondering when Will, Holly and Cha-Ka are going to appear.

Saint - Alien (1979):

In the original, the Alien is never revealed until the very last scene. Up until then, it exists only in the shadows with flashes of a drooling jaw, or an unfurling tail.

James Cameron knew better than to try to play this trick twice, so he wisely switched genres from horror to action and brought us hundreds more Aliens in the sequel.

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So do you have to avoid all of the seven sins to create a spec horror script that will set Hollywood on fire and become the next Saw or Final Destination? Obviously not. All of the sinners above were produced screenplays. Not only that, some of them made lots of money.


But if you want to create a horror film that has some staying power. Like The Exorcist, Halloween, Psycho, or Microwave Massacre (just seeing if you were paying attention), then heed the seven sins. Repent if you must (and by that I mean re-write). 

There are enough bad horror movies in the world.

And I end up watching most of them.

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SCRIPT ANATOMY was founded by story consultant and screenwriting instructor, TAWNYA BHATTACHARYA. Tawnya has completed writing assignments, and has several optioned screenplays with independent producers and her original TV pilot, GRAND COULEE was optioned by FOX. Tawnya is a fellow with FOX's 2009 Writers Initiative and recently finished participating in NBC's WRITERS ON THE VERGE with writing partner, Ali Laventhol. Their NURSE JACKIE spec was one of eight selected out of over 1200 submissions that got them into NBC's 12-week workshop focused on polishing writers and readying them for a staff writer position on a television series. Visit Script Anatomy's website @ www.scriptanatomy.com

Head Trauma: Top 10 Willy Inducing Moments

The Horror Digest did a list of the top 10 Willy Inducing moments, prompting Final Girl to follow suit. Since I would follow these two bloggers anywhere (yes even if they jumped off a cliff, Mom), here are mine … (THAR BE SPOILERS AHEAD)

10. Suspiria – Leap into razorwire
When our poor non-final girl, Sarah, is chased by an oogely-boogely down the darkened hallways of the spooky dorm, we know she’s gonna get it. The only question is how and when? Suspiria answers both questions with cruel brilliance. Trapped in razor wire, she is helpless against a viscious stabbing.

9. Zombie – Eye meet splinter
Eye trauma is icky. You don’t really see it too much in horror movies. But in Zombie, not only do we have eye trauma … we have drawn out, oh-my-God-I-can’t-watch-it kind of eye trauma. Italians are crazy.


8. Night Train Murders – Knife to the hoo
The only thing worse than eye trauma is hoo trauma. And by hoo, I mean junk, gennies, nads, your means to the nasty. It’s also rare to see in horror. We Americans like our eyes and our hoos … but not those Italians!


7. Carrie – Mama attacks
Carrie White is shy, tender, a raw nerve. You want to take care of her, defend her against her evil Mother and dreadful peers. So when her mom stabs her with a knife, it’s both heartbreaking and willy inducing. “Why mama, why?”


6. Wolf Creek – Head on a Stick
Our resourceful, heroic, and chaste final girl Liz saves her friend Kristy, then goes back into the lion’s den looking for a car. But the sneaky (and unreasonably attractive) filmmaker Greg McLean pulls a fast one. Liz, the goodhearted and brave, gets stabbed in the back by maniacal Mick. He severs her spinal cord, SO SHE CAN FEEL PAIN, BUT CAN'T MOVE. (Wait! She’s NOT our final girl? She’s paralyzed and going to be tortured horribly? She’s now just a head on a stick?) What we don’t see is unimaginable.


5. Audition – That f-in bag
If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. As spoilery as this post has been, I can’t spoil this.


4. Hellraiser – "Jesus Wept"
When skinless masochist asshole Frank Cotton gets caught by the cenobites, we cringe as hooks and chains pull his skin every which way. After a losing battle against his demons, Frank is locked in a metal spider web crucifixion. Knowing he is doomed, he delivers a most chilling line: “Jesus Wept,” then gets pulled apart. Willies!


3. Angel Heart – "Who was the Boy?"
Though the special effects on this movie are dated, it is so frigging creepy and Mickey Rourke and Robert DeNiro are so fucking good that it doesn't matter. By the time the mystery of the voodoo-loving crooner Johnny Favorite is revealed (“WHO WAS THE BOY?!”) and Robert DeNiro reveals himself as Lucifer (with glowing yellow eyes no less) ... and that creepy baby, the willies are crawling all over me.


2. Tie: Last House on the Left and I Spit on Your Grave – THAT scene
Last House on the Left (the original) is in many ways a terrible movie. It is super low budget and has lots of awkward dumb moments. However, the rape and murder scene is so grisly and the aftermath so believable, that it can't help but linger with you. To me, it felt like I witnessed something horrible and did nothing to stop it. I felt implicated in the crime.


I Spit on Your Grave is a better movie in many ways. It is shot better. The acting is better. And the rape scene is even more horrific. The contrast of the suffering of the victim with the good-old-boy tomfoolery of the attackers is devastating. It goes on for WAY too long. Even when you think it should stop. It makes you suffer the way she suffers. Many reviewers had a problem with that. I came away being even more horrified by the brutality of rape.


1. Texas Chainsaw Masacre – Sally’s run
Texas Chainsaw is relentless, weird and unsettling. It sits at the intersection of the Venn diagram between slasher and grindhouse. Leatherface - a hulking he/she, a not-so-hot tranny mess - is but ONE of a family of killers that our final girl Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns) has to face. Though Leatherface has his signature chainsaw, his lesser-known brother (known simply as Hitchhiker) has a nasty-ass straight-razor. As Sally is fleeing, Hitchhiker mercilessly slashes at her over and over again, cutting her back as she flees. I just want to scream at the screen “Leave her alone! She’s suffered enough!” But this movie has no mercy and always leaves me exhausted by the time we get to this horrific willy inducing finale.

The One(s) I Might Have Saved

Arbogast over at Arbogast on Film has asked fellow bloggers to identify "those doomed characters from horror movies whose plight or personality so moved the writer that he or she wished they had the power to breach the fourth wall of cinema and save that person from his or her tragic fate."

Though, my tragic character flaw is an almost pathological inability to choose, luckily we are talking about horror movies! Horror movies are so often (and frustratingly) filled with thinly drawn douchebags that I easily narrowed down my candidates to three.

These three characters evoke such a sense of pathos that no matter how many times I watch these movies, my magical thinking is engaged and I cringe and yell at the screen hoping that somehow, maybe this time (abracadabra, presto-chango), they'll live.

(Since all these characters die, do I really need to have a SPOILER ALERT?)

1) Carrie White from Carrie (1976)
Carrie White, as played by Sissy Spacek in 1976's Carrie, is a potent extract of teen fear, shame, and self-loathing. Her wide downward-cast eyes, chalk-white skin, and hushed voice are a powerful magnet for both our sympathy and disgust.

You know the story. Looney mom. Cruel kids. Telekinesis. Ends up at prom getting crowned Prom Queen as a joke. Things don't end well.

But, no matter how many times I watch this movie, I want to pause it right here:
Look at her. Carrie is happy. She has rejected the violent dogma of her religious mother. She has dolled herself up and is standing next to the curly-haired Greatest American Hero William Katt in his powder blue tux. She is on top of the world. Pretty girl happy at last.

It is at this moment, despite repeated viewings and attempts at psychic distancing, that I can't help but engage in an irrational list of maybes: Maybe the bucket of blood will miss her. Maybe she won't have a telekinetic freak out that results in the mass murder of her classmates. Maybe she'll get away, get a good therapist and learn to use her powers for good and not eeeevil. Maybe she won't kill herself.

But no such luck. Once I unpause the film, I am forced to watch my beloved Carrie White hop on the express ride from the top of the world straight down to hell.
2) Brenda from Friday the 13th (1980)
What's not to like about Brenda? She likes to smoke pot and play strip monopoly. She has that deep party girl voice that only girls named Brenda can pull off. You would so totally be her friend. And because she is Brenda the Goodhearted, she would totally be yours.
And true to Brenda's good nature, she tries to save a child -- a child, damnit. Not just some cat in a tree (which would make her pretty damn likable), but a child crying out for help in the rainy woods which makes her a superhero of likability. Armed only with a flashlight and her Little House on the Prarie nightgown, Brenda heads out in the pouring rain with the sole purpose of saving this poor child.
Unfortunately for likable Brenda, this poor child is Jason Voorhees and Jason Voorhees is long dead and now just a sub-personality of his murderous psycho-mommy Pamela Voorhees.

We don't see Brenda die, but we do see her corpse -- looking surprisingly broad-shouldered and hairy -- crash through a window towards the end of the film.

Laurie tried to save a little boy and all she got for her trouble was defenestration. Life is not fair.

(Sadly, Laurie Bertram -- the actress who played Brenda -- died of cancer in 2oo7 at the age of 47. Life is truly not fair.)

3) Liz in Wolf Creek (2005)
Greg McClean is a sick fuck. The Australian writer-director (who also happens to be hot) begat Wolf Creek which begat Liz, Kristy and Ben -- three very likeable backpackers who seem to genuinely like each other.
Of the three likable leads, Liz is clearly the most likable. She is our classic Final Girl. She is sex-shy and plucky enough to save Kristy from psycho Mick Taylor (Crocodile-Dundee meets Leatherface) and get her away from his outback torture den.
While Kristy cracks psychologically and Ben is M.I.A., it is Liz who soldiers on and keeps bringing the fight to the killer. So she should be the one who lives, right?

Er ... audience expectation FAIL. Not only is Liz the first to go, but she is first paralyzed by Mick with a nasty looking hunting blade to the spinal column, turning her into what Mick calls a "head on a stick."
Then, she is subjected to some off-screen torture to extract information on her friend Kristy.

Like I said, Greg McLean is a sick fuck. Liz deserved to live and yet she was subjected to the worst of the dark fates assigned to the three likable leads.

Conclusion
If these three girls lived in the world of the romantic-comedy, not only would they have lived, but they would have triumphed: Sexually liberated Carrie would have ripped off William Katt's powder-blue tux with her telekinesis and ridden him like an urban cowgirl; Fun-girl Brenda would have taught uptight Alice the secret technique of finger-banging a guy while performing oral sex to give him the maximum pleasure; and Liz, Ben and Kristy would have had a rocking three-way on the beach and never gone near nasty old Wolf Creek.

But they don't live in that world. They live in the world of horror. And, despite my wish to save them, the world of horror should be an unfair place. Because it is when bad things happen to good people that we truly experience the dread that is the mark of the best horror movies.

And it is a testament to the three actresses (Sissy Spacek, Laurie Betram, and Cassandra Magrath respectively) that after having viewed these movies over and over again, I still want to smash the glass of my television and pull them to safety.